The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno

S3 | Session 6: When the Fixer Finally Puts Down His Tools

Tue, 31 Mar 2026 13:31:00 +0000

We pick right back up in the middle of our session with Rachel and Mike. After Rachel courageously bared her soul, the energy in the room is incredibly heavy. Now, we turn our focus to Mike. When you look at an Avoidant partner in moments of high emotional stress, the assumption is often that they come across as cold, detached, or simply don't care. But the reality is entirely different. Today, yo

S3 | Session 18: Slowing Down the TEMPO to Co-Regulation (Season Finale)

Tue, 30 Jun 2026 12:20:00 +0000

Today is our season three finale . It has been an absolute privilege watching Rachel and Mike untangle their negative cycles, and they open today's session with the ultimate proof that the work is paying off . When a major trigger hit just two nights ago, the script flipped entirely . Instead of his typical silent shutdown and her sharp tongue, Mike paused and shared the vulnerable feelings h

S3 | Session 10: Why It Feels So Hard to Ask Your Partner for Help

Tue, 28 Apr 2026 14:00:00 +0000

We are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Following Mike's admission of withholding the truth, Rachel is experiencing a very healthy, righteous anger. But today, we pivot away from blaming Mike's behavior and guide Rachel directly into her own vulnerability. We uncover a heartbreaking core belief: Rachel is terrified to let Mike help her because her life experiences have taught her that "

S3 | Session 14: The Burden of the Poker Face: How Hiding Stress Hurts Your Marriage

Tue, 26 May 2026 21:22:00 +0000

Mike recently received some great news about a major work project, but instead of celebrating, he admits to Rachel that he is quietly carrying a massive amount of pressure behind his "professional poker face". In this session, we trace this habit of emotional isolation straight back to its origin. We discover that when Mike struggled as a child, his parents' anxiety would spike, teaching him the p

Session 12: The Very Good Reasons Why The Avoidant Partner Avoids

Tue, 25 Nov 2025 12:00:00 +0000

Last week, we sat with Brian's heavy narrative that Bethany is "out to get him." This week, we turn the lens around to understand the experience of the avoidant partner. We explore a conflict about picking up their sick daughter from daycare, where Bethany's genuine attempt to help is misread as control, leaving her feeling like the "bad guy" yet again. We finally unveil the "why" behind Bethany's

S3 | Session 5: What Does Your Fear Need?

Tue, 24 Mar 2026 15:55:00 +0000

Have you ever fought so hard for a connection that one day, you simply run out of energy? You stop yelling. You stop protesting. You just… go quiet. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped, Rachel's nervous system is so overloaded that she has shifted from anxious pursuit into complete emotional numbing. She is grappling with a dark, heavy be

S3 | Session 1: Setting the TEMPO to Uncover Deep Wounds

Tue, 24 Feb 2026 16:37:00 +0000

We are kicking off Season 3 with a brand new couple, Rachel and Mike. Unlike previous seasons, we are using an intensive therapy model, diving deep into their dynamic over a compressed timeframe. On paper, Rachel and Mike are a committed power couple running a successful business. But underneath, they are stuck in a painful anxious-avoidant cycle. Rachel has shifted from protesting for connection

S3 | Session 17: Fear of the Goodness: Navigating Peace After Relationship Chaos

Tue, 23 Jun 2026 13:28:00 +0000

The feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is universal. When your nervous system is deeply accustomed to chaos, peace can actually feel scary and alarming because it brings up fears of losing what feels so good.  As we near the end of our time with Rachel and Mike, they are finally finding real stability. Mike has been stepping up in wonderfully subtle ways, intentionally checking in durin

Session 16: "Full Breathable Lungs": The Power of Vulnerability

Tue, 23 Dec 2025 17:39:00 +0000

We continue to ride a wave of progress this week. Bethany and Brian report zero negative cycles, and Bethany steps up during a family crisis, healing the wound of Brian's daughter feeling "dropped". We then pivot to the deeper wounds driving Brian's intense perfectionism. A seemingly small conflict about mulch reveals his childhood history of feeling "less than" his peers, driving him to hold hims

S3 | Session 9: Resetting the TEMPO & Two Big Lies

Tue, 21 Apr 2026 14:09:00 +0000

Think about a time you caught your partner withholding the truth. If you've been there, you know the actual lie is only half the battle; the other half is the agonizing feeling of thinking you might be going crazy. Today, we tackle one of the most difficult hurdles in any relationship: broken trust. Recently, Rachel's intuition flared up over a situation, and she pressed Mike for the truth, which

Session 19: Unpacking Shame and The Reality of Healing (Season Finale)

Tue, 20 Jan 2026 12:00:00 +0000

We enter the final session of Season 2 with a deep dive into the roots of shame. Julie steps in to distinguish shame from guilt, helping Brian see that his exhaustion and relentless drive for success aren't just personality traits—they are survival strategies designed to hide a core belief of being "defective" or "less than" . The session culminates in a moment of true openness, where Brian pr

S3 | Session 13: Always Second Place: Fighting to Be Your Partner's Priority

Tue, 19 May 2026 18:44:00 +0000

Today, we see what happens when Mike's loyalty to his family leaves Rachel feeling like she is "last on the list". When Rachel feels unprotected, she tries to handle her pain with logic, presenting evidence and hoping Mike will rationally agree with her. But as we discuss today, logic alone does not heal an attachment wound. Meanwhile, we finally uncover why Mike feels so compelled to manage every

Session 11: I Just Don't Think She Really Cares About Me

Tue, 18 Nov 2025 12:00:00 +0000

After a long holiday break, Bethany and Brian have lost momentum and are "not in a good spot." Brian opens the session feeling "checked out" and asks, "Is this insanity?" while Bethany feels like she's "walking on eggshells," afraid to trigger him. The core of the session focuses on the main block to their progress: Brian's unshakeable and "unworkable" narrative that Bethany is "maliciously out to

S3 | Session 4: Building a Positive Cycle from the Fear of Disappointment

Tue, 17 Mar 2026 13:44:00 +0000

Leading up to this week's session, we have established a new foundation of vulnerability and we tackle one of the biggest challenges in their relationship: Mike's family. For Rachel, the family dynamic is an environment where she feels constantly pushed to the side. But for Mike, stepping out of line with his parents triggers a profound, physical alarm response in his nervous system. In this episo

Season 3 Trailer: I Leave You Because I Leave Me

Tue, 17 Feb 2026 13:14:00 +0000

In Season 3 of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno introduces Rachel and Mike—a couple who look perfect on paper but are quietly drowning in the dark. Rachel, a widow who risked everything for a fresh start, finds herself in a lonely battle for priority, while Mike, the "steady" husband, retreats into his head to avoid failing her. This season goes beyond communication struggles into the raw re

S3 | Session 16: Too Sensitive? Healing the Belief That You Are Defective

Tue, 16 Jun 2026 14:23:00 +0000

Have you ever tried to set a boundary or express that you were uncomfortable only to be told that you're just being too sensitive or a stick in the mud? You know, when you hear that enough times, you stop trusting your own gut and start believing that maybe you are the problem. Today we dive deep into that exact wound with Rachel. We trace her deep-seated belief that she's defective back to its ro

Session 15: Healing the Wound of "Not Mattering"

Tue, 16 Dec 2025 12:00:00 +0000

We start with a victory: Bethany and Brian successfully navigate a conflict without spiraling, turning a sarcastic comment into a moment of repair . Digging deeper, we find the wound fueling Brian's sarcasm: a fear that his daughter is being "segregated" or "dropped," just as he was by an uncle in childhood . Brian shares the pain of feeling like a "test drive kid" who was easily replaced. The bre

S3 | Session 8: When Your Partner Makes Decisions Without You

Tue, 14 Apr 2026 14:04:00 +0000

We are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Today, we revisit a highly charged memory that perfectly illustrates their negative cycle: a unilateral family decision made during a massive winter storm that completely brushed past Rachel's fierce reservations. For a widow who has already lived through losing a spouse, this wasn't just a disagreement about driving conditions—it was a life-or-de

Session 18: Understanding the Anxious Partner - The Path to Accountability (Pt. 2)

Tue, 13 Jan 2026 12:00:00 +0000

We begin in a difficult place, with Brian feeling targeted and defensive, and still strugging to see his role in the negative cycle. Julie confronts this directly, pushing for ownership to uncover the shame underneath . This leads to a crucial realization: Brian's "overwhelm" during their hardest years wasn't just bad luck, but partially self-inflicted by a desperate need to over-perform and avoi

S3 | Session 12: Between a Rock and a Hard Place: The Cost of "Going With the Flow"

Tue, 12 May 2026 13:36:00 +0000

Doing real emotional work is physically exhausting. When Mike logs on for this session, the very first thing he shares is that he feels completely "taxed and jumbled". He is asking his brain to operate in an emotional language it was never taught to speak. Today, we trace that language barrier straight back to its origin. We dive into Mike's family history, examining the impact of a grandfather wh

Session 10: Does it Get Worse Before It Gets Better?

Tue, 11 Nov 2025 22:57:00 +0000

Is there an expiration date on old wounds? This week, Brian struggles with seeing Bethany receive empathy for her car accident, as it triggers a deep, unspoken pain from his own past trauma. Months earlier, he was the victim of a violent attack that left him unable to work and feeling alone, which became the foundation for his "I'm done, I'm leaving" stance and his feeling of being a "second-class

S3 | Session 3: He Probably Wishes He Hadn't Chosen Me

Tue, 10 Mar 2026 14:00:00 +0000

If you listened to our previous episode, you know Rachel and Mike ended their first session with a beautiful breakthrough. But in the real world of relationships, progress is rarely linear. In this episode, we drop into the next session to find Rachel fighting a powerful urge to detach. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped despite providing him with a "roadmap" to her heart, her ner

S3 | Session 15: Two People Overboard: The Co-Regulation Conundrum

Tue, 09 Jun 2026 13:31:00 +0000

We can do all the heavy lifting in therapy, but sometimes life just throws too much at us at once. Between the holidays, chaotic work schedules, and general exhaustion, Rachel and Mike recently hit a wall, slipping off the tracks into a tough two-week period of disconnection. When catching up on the setback, Rachel shares a powerful analogy: normally, if she jumps off the dock, she needs Mike to s

Session 14: Moving Towards a Positive Cycle

Tue, 09 Dec 2025 12:00:00 +0000

We are finally seeing genuine momentum. This week, Bethany and Brian report being in a "good space," having successfully navigated a conflict without spiraling into a negative cycle for the first time in weeks. You'll hear how Bethany paused to articulate her intent, allowing Brian to truly hear her rather than react. This session focuses on solidifying that win through somatic work—helping Brian'

S3 | Session 7: What Will Life Look Like if This Relationship Ends?

Tue, 07 Apr 2026 17:48:00 +0000

Think about a time you brought a really important concern to your partner, only to feel completely dismissed. When that happens over and over, you eventually stop bringing things up—not because the problem is solved, but because the pain of being unheard is just too heavy to keep risking. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Recently, Rachel's daughter came to her feeling like some recent s

Session 17: Understanding the Anxious Partner - The Path to Accountability (Pt. 1)

Tue, 06 Jan 2026 19:31:00 +0000

We begin with a powerful example of breaking generational cycles: Brian shares a breakthrough moment with his daughter, helping her process bullying instead of telling her to "toughen up" . This shifts to an exploration of Brian's own history—the "very good reasons" for his perfectionism and "hard outer shell," tracing back to a critical teacher and feelings of abandonment . We unpack the concep

S3 | Session 11: You Can't Problem Solve Your Way Out of Pain

Tue, 05 May 2026 13:20:00 +0000

When your partner is hurting, what is your immediate instinct? For most of us, it's to grab a toolbox. We want to solve the problem, clear up the misunderstanding, or offer the perfectly logical explanation that will make the pain go away. But what if the urge to fix the problem is actually just a disguised attempt to escape our own discomfort? If you've been listening this season, you know Mike u

S3 | Session 2: Escaping to the Head When the Heart Gets Scared

Tue, 03 Mar 2026 16:26:00 +0000

Welcome back to the second half of our first session with Rachel and Mike . After Rachel courageously opens up about her deep grief and abandonment fears, the emotional stakes in the room are high . For an Avoidant partner like Mike, this is a terrifying moment . Instead of leaning into the emotion, his natural instinct is to run to the safety of his intellect—over-explaining, rationalizing, an

The Season 2 Debrief: A Live Q&A with Julie

Tue, 03 Feb 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Following the season finale, we gathered for a special live Q&A to process this journey together. With the couple absent, Julie takes the floor to answer direct questions from the audience about the season's difficult ending, diving deeper into the dynamics of shame, regression, and the hard truth that healing isn't always linear. We want to extend a brief but heartfelt thank you to Bethany and Br

Session 13: From Bad Guy to Bad A**: The Avoidant Partner Reclaims Her Voice

Tue, 02 Dec 2025 12:00:00 +0000

Last week, we explored the "why" behind Bethany's avoidant behavior. This week, we go deeper, uncovering the pain she has been silently carrying to keep the peace. For years, Bethany has minimized her own needs, believing her hurts "don't rise to the level" of the pain she caused Brian. But this silence has come at a cost: disconnection, resentment, and the loss of her own voice. In a powerful mom